I failed…I did all the work myself, pushed my team aside and set deadlines for them without consulting them.

Years back, I was promoted to a leadership position for the first time. I had been at this company as an engineer for a while. Years in fact. The first large project my team had to deliver, I failed them. I did all the work myself.

I had wanted a leadership position for a year at that point. My whole career I have viewed working my way up the ladder as a sign that I was good at my chosen career. My whole career I have suffered from imposter syndrome. I always seemed to find myself surrounded by brilliant colleagues, I never felt good enough to be working with them. I felt like a bit of a fraud, I also felt lucky. Climbing the ladder for me was always a way to shut that part of me up. Temporarily at least.

So when I was given the chance of being an Engineering Manager for the first time I wanted it so badly, I wanted to feel vindicated from the other part of me that would tell me I wasn’t good enough. That drove me. I dove headfirst into all aspects; management, roadmaps, project delivery, team strategy, everything. I didn’t give myself a chance to breathe. Straight in, head first. No oxygen tank.